Week 6 - our miracle ends

Friday, December 05, 2008

Week 6 started off so well, my symptoms were increasing as the week went on. I was so exhausted by the time I got off of work I would just crash on the couch for the rest of the night. Nothing was getting done in the house, I didn't have the energy for dishes, laundry, even simple straightening up. I looked just pure lazy. Jeff was great though and tried to pitch in wherever he could. On Wedneday, 6w4d, I started to feel a few tinges of m/s which is a first for me. On Thursday morning, I had a major sour stomach and had to drag myself down to the Prog shop at work to buy a bag of gold fish crackers. My boobs still hurt a lot, mostly at night. On Thanksgiving day, I started to panic a little because I thought for a moment that they weren't as sore as they had been. This was the first sign that things with Hyphen were ending so of course I was paranoid.
On Thursday (6w5d), which was the day of our 7 week u/s, Jeff and I took the afternoon off to have lunch at The Cheesecake Factory and to do a little shopping before our 3:30 appointment. I was a nervous wreck the whole time and could barely focus on the shopping. We finally arrived in Solon at 3:15 and the anticipated u/s was finally here. I couldn't believe this day had come. Going into it, I have to admit, I was very skeptical. I had read stories on The Bump of only seeing sacs or embroys with barely any significant measurement. I was sitting on the u/s table for at least 20 minutes talking to Jeff about how nervous I was and he was so calm. At 3:50 Dr. G finally came into the u/s room. He congratulated us and we thanked him for all of his help with everything. He told us we were the ones that made it easy on him. He asked how I was doing and I told him that I was nervous. He replied that hopefully he could put my mind at ease in a few minutes. Unfortunately that was not the case. I knew it right away as the ultra sound machine started to go, I didn't see that bright flicker that we saw so quickly with hyphen. It was dead silence in the room, I could feel him moving the wand all around looking for some glimmer of hope. Finally he says, well at this point we would hope to see a heartbeat or an embryo. All I could see glaring at me was a perfectly round little sack. Honestly I just stared at it, for some reason I was not surprised at all. That was my first reaction. I just somehow knew it. Maybe I am just a skeptic because of everything we went through or my expectations were just that low. Anything above what we saw would have been a win for me but it wasn't and that was basically par for the course for us. I didn't even have any symptoms for me to think that this wasn't going to work out, no spotting, major cramping, anything. I guess I after all the dissapointment we have had, it was just us being on the wrong side of the statistic. Again. Afterwards, the doctor was honest and said it was probable that it wasn't going work out. I pretty much already knew that. He said that it is more than likely bad luck and a chromosomal defect. I was happy to hear that for his multiple loss patients, he would start me on daily baby aspirin and progesterone suppositories in case low progesterone or an environmental factor was causing our losses. One thing we learned from him was that there really is no true way to determine if a loss is due to low progesterone because your levels are constantly fluctuating and you never know if you are catching it on a normal low moment. Next steps are for another u/s on December 11th to verify the pregnancy is not viable and to schedule a d&c for the 12th. If I do make it to the d&c without miscarrying beforehand, he will run chromosomal testing on the material. The one issue in our situation is that I have such little tissue since an embryo never formed, it will be hard to know if they are testing me or the sac. I guess we will have to hope and pray for positive results. According to the doctor, the best case scenario would be for it to be chromosomal. My fear though is that if it is chromosomal, how are we to know I just do not have really bad eggs or that Jeff has bad swimmers? More issues to now add to our already confusing and frustrating situation. The brightside to all of this is that after two years, we finally did get pregnant again and perhaps cleaning out the endo treated our one issue. At this point I think it's safe to say we can conceive, we now are dealing with having it stick around.
Jeff and I could barely sleep last night as our loss slowly sunk in, we were up from 2-4 talking and just discussing our horrible situation. We both took the day off and told our bosses that we recently received "bad news" and would be in on Monday. I think I am going to have to tell my boss what happened since he already know most of our situation already since I have taken a lot time off the past two years for fertility treatments.
I am still horribly sad but I have been trying to spend my day researching "Blighted Ovums" which is the official term of what we had and trying to find some kind of hope in our situation. At least Jeff is home too, he always makes things better.

2 comments:

  1. I just saw your post and am so sorry that you are dealing with this. I have a friend that has had 4 blighted ovums. Turns out she has the MTHFR gene and some other weird things. You can read about her story if you want to...http://talkingtummies.blogspot.com/

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  2. Oh Karen - I am so sorry. This sucks. And I know you are trying to be strong. It is good that your experience helped with the endo but I can't help but think that you should be pregnant right now. I want that for you so badly.

    I just know there is going to be a happy healthy baby in your future - I obviously don't know when but I just know God gave you this desire for motherhood for a reason.

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