Monday, November 01, 2010

How I Spent Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day



I have debated writing this post at all just because of all the craziness that has been going on with Jillian and her ear infections. I have been looking so forward to writing about good times now that Jillian's surgery is behind us. However, this is my blog and one of the main reasons I do blog is for myself and to record everything that is going on in our lives. I love going back and reading about everything that we have been though, all of the ups and downs, and my blog just wouldn't be complete if I didn't include this post too.
It all started two Fridays ago on October 15th, which also happened to be Infant and Pregnancy Loss Day. I remember reading a few blogs that morning, so many Mommy's blogging about the babies that they had lost and never had a chance to hold. I remember thinking about my two little babies that I had lost and how different our lives would be right now. But God does have a plan and I know that plan included Jillian.
That Friday afternoon, Jillian and I had just returned from her ENT appointment and I started to prepare her lunch. I had been experiencing light spotting for a week. AF was due, however, she just never really came. I just chocked it up as a light AF, I had been nursing Jillian a lot more lately since she was getting up a lot at night from ear pain and discomfort. Nursing her was one of the only things that would get her back to bed. As I was making Jillian's lunch, I felt AF show up with a vengeance. "Well at least she is finally here." I recall thinking to myself. At that point, I stopped making Jillian's lunch and ran to the bathroom to take care of it. I was surprised at just how heavy my AF was and again just brushed it off as being an irregular period. It was only the third period I had gotten for the third straight month since I had given birth to Jillian and figured even though I was getting regular periods, since I was still nursing, they were bound to me a little off.
Jeff called from work later that afternoon and asked if I wanted to go to Longhorn with his parents for dinner. I responded that it sounded good and that I needed a shower and about an hour to get myself and Jillian ready. So I showered and got ready for dinner, still aware of a very heavy AF that didn't seem to be letting up. I brushed it off again and finished getting ready for dinner. I pretty much forgot my AF after that.
We met Jeff's parents for dinner and enjoyed a great meal and a few drinks. It was nice to be out and about since Jillian had been so sick. We had been spending a lot of time inside and hadn't gotten out too much lately. Halfway through dinner, I excused myself and went to the restroom. I never do this, but decided to leave my purse in the booth with Jeff instead of lugging it into the bathroom with me. Once I was in the bathroom stall, I realized that something else was seriously wrong with me. It no longer appeared to be a regular AF and I had a pretty good idea on what was going on. I panicked, could I really be having a miscarriage? We weren't really trying, and with my history, I knew it was going to take some serious intervention for us to get pregnant again. Of course, we were always hopeful that the second time would be easier for us, especially now that my endometriosis was gone. I didn't know what to do next, I was stuck in the bathroom without a cell phone since I left it in my purse back at our booth. I was really starting to get upset, I wasn't 100% sure that I was having a miscarriage, but what was going on was scaring me to death. There was just no other explanation. I tried to clean myself up as much as possible and walked back to the booth. My mind was spinning because I didn't know how to tell Jeff what was going on without letting his parents know too. I decided to pull Jeff aside and asked him to follow me to the back of the restaurant. I told him what was going on and he said we should leave immediately. On our way home, we stopped off at a Walgreens to grab a pregnancy test. I knew if I really was miscarrying, the test would confirm that I was pregnant because the HcG would still be in my system. I took the test as soon as we got home and the second line popped up immediately, even before the control line. I started crying, I was so upset. We weren't even trying to get pregnant but it was so disheartening knowing that we had lost yet another baby. I walked out of the bathroom and gave Jeff a hug. I showed him the positive test and he just shook his head. It was such a sad moment for us.
Since Jeff's parents knew what was going on, they had followed us home for moral support and to help watch Jillian. Thank God that they did because I needed to get to a hospital to be checked out. No OB's office was open at that hour and wouldn't be until Monday morning. Due to previous experience, I knew that I needed to be examined for a possible ectopic pregnancy and potential hemorrhaging. After a very long wait at the Hillcrest ER, they pretty much confirmed what we already knew. I was having a miscarriage and the ultra sound no longer showed a pregnancy sac. My HcG levels were in the 3000's so I was definitely pregnant at one point. We made it back home by 3am physically exhausted, however, mentally we were OK. We talked a lot since we had to wait so long in the ER and decided that as sad as this was, it was still a good thing. We had gotten pregnant on our own and without really trying.

On Monday morning , I decided not to see my OB, but to make an appointment with my infertility doctor instead. He knew my long history and I knew he would be able to answer all of my questions. He concurred that me getting pregnant on my own was a very good thing. He also repeated what he had told me after my laproscopy, that he didn't think that my endometriosis would return either once he had completed cleaned it out. That was my biggest fear, having my endometriosis return before we had a chance to have another successful pregnancy. I didn't want it to take another three years to concieve our next baby!!! He recommended that I stop breast feeding before we start trying again so I could go back on the daily baby aspirin and progesterone suppositories. I had been on both with Jillian. At the time, they seemed to be only precautionary measures, however since this was my third loss, I am thinking that perhaps they did play a roll in my successful pregnancy with Jillian. Granted, we are both very saddened by this loss but I never had the chance to be excited about it. I don't feel like anything was taken away from me if that even makes sense. I decided to look up my potential due date on Babycenter.com and found out that I was 5 weeks pregnant and due on June 13th. I was more than likely only four weeks along when the spotting began so the poor baby never really had a chance. I am still very sad by the loss of our little baby but am very positive that we will have our second miracle very, very soon.

21 comments :

  1. Oh Karen, I'm so sorry to hear this. I can't imagine what it must have been like. Prayers are with you.

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  2. Karen,

    I'm sorry to hear that you had such a loss...I cant imagine the shock you were in, finding out that you had been pregnant and didnt even know it...but you are right that it is good news! Its such a great thing to know that you can get pregnant again! I'm thinking about you :)

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  3. Hugs and prayers are with you!

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  4. I am so sorry for your loss. I am also excited for the future. I know you do not know whether to be happy or sad. I am hopeful that your next pregnancy will come quickly!

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  5. Karen, i am so sorry! how scary!! thank goodness that you were so vigilant and aware with what was going on with your body. i am sorry for your loss, but hopeful for you all at the same time. what a promising sign that you got pregnant on your own and without even "trying!" praying for you, jeff and your family!!!
    xoxo

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  6. I'm sorry you had to go through that again. It's so nice to read how positive you are though, and I think a little surprise is coming in your future too. :)

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  7. Im so sorry about the loss of the baby. Glad you are planning to get prego soon because I can't wait to read about it.

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  8. I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been growing through. Keeping you in my thoughts.

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  9. I'm sorry Karen. Thanks for sharing your experience. I am happy that you are looking at the positives, and that is great news that you were able to get pregnant on your own :-)

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  10. So sorry for your loss. How ironic that it was on that day. I am glad you are staying strong about the whole situation. It is amazing that you did it all on your own. Next time you'll have a sticky baby!

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  11. Karen -

    Thanks for sharing your story, miscarriage is such a difficult thing to go through and not discussed nearly enough it seems. I'm extremely sorry for your 3rd loss, I have been there 4x's myself, so know exactly where you are coming from. That is wonderful news you were able to get pg without trying. I pray for you that next time is a beautiful healthy sticky baby!

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  12. Karen! I am SO sorry to hear about this! I admire your outlook on it! You are so positive about it all and you are right, God has a plan and I wish you guys the best of luck!!! Big hugs!!!

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  13. Karen- even knowing the story, I got teary eyed reading it. Hugs to you! I had no idea it happened on pregnancy and infant loss rememberance day of all days too. Wishing you only happy times ahead.

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  14. Oh sweet girl. I am so sorry that you had to go through that. I wish there were words that I could say that would comfort you, but I know there really isn't. Praying for you and your husband honey.

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  15. I am so sorry for your loss. I actually just suffered my first miscarriage (first pregnancy) at 6 weeks this past weekend, so I understand the pain you've been through. I really appreciate you sharing your story! It helps to know that there are other women out there who have been through it. My thoughts are with you and Jeff, and I think it's a great sign you were able to get pregnant on your own without really "trying."

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  16. Oh sweetheart, I'm so very sorry for your loss.

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  17. Karen, I'm so so sorry for your loss. Your spirit and faith are so refreshing, and you, Jeff and Jillian are in my prayers.

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  18. Thinking and praying for you. I'm so sorry but you are right. God does have a plan :)

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  19. This brought tears to my eyes! I am so sorry you had to go through this! But like you said, it is very promising that you got pregnant on your own! And if it happened once, it can happen again! I will be praying for you!

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  20. I tried to comment the other day, but it wouldn't let me. I am so sorry for your loss. Like other commenters said, at least this is reassurance that you can get pregnant without meds or assistance. You are such a positive inspiration and I will keep you in my thoughts!

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  21. Wow...saw the title of this on your sidebar and had to read it. I haven't shared my story with the blog world yet (and it will probably be awhile), but I had a m/c on Oct 27. We found out on my son's first birthday (Sept. 19) that we were pregnant. We were very excited, and now we are just putting everything in God's hands.

    Saying a prayer for you now! It is comforting to hear about others' stories...feel free to email me :)
    mamasmessages@gmail.com

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