Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Timing is Everything
I have been thinking a lot lately about Baby #2. When will we finally be blessed again with a healthy pregnancy? Will it be a boy or a girl? How will we handle life as a family of four? I am starting to get that familiar pang of jealousy again when I start to hear friends announcing their pregnancies. The feelings of jealous are different though. Certainly not the big slap in the face, kick you in the gut, type of feelings that I used to have, but they are there.
I keep thinking about how this week would have been my due date if my pregnancy from October had worked out. I keep thinking about how different our life would be in so many ways. I keep thinking about how Jillian's life would be so different in so many ways. Dealing with Infertility and Pregnancy Loss has taught me that I have absolutely no control over how or when God will bless me with a baby. It truly is up to Him and not me. I know God has a plan for us and having a baby this week was not in his plans.
I had another loss a few weeks ago which was both very upsetting and encouraging all at the same time. Upsetting because it was yet another baby that we would never meet here on earth, however, it was an actual positive pregnancy test after only the first month of really trying again since our loss in October. This pregnancy was probably my shortest yet. I decided to take a pregnancy test one night since my monthly friend was a day late. I just "felt" pregnant and I couldn't shake the nagging thoughts rolling around in my head that I needed to act on that gut feeling. Sure enough a faint double line popped up on the pregnancy test. Since it was on the lighter side, I figured it was because I had taken the test in the evening and not in the morning like it is suggested. The next morning I took another test as soon as I woke up. Happy and excited, I totally expected to see a darker line then the night before. But I didn't. A second line was still there, however, it wasn't any darker like it should have been. It actually looked a little lighter when I compared the two tests. My heart sunk but I tried to remain positive. Sadly, I knew too well how pregnancy tests should be progressing at this point. They are gradually supposed to get darker with each passing day, not lighter!!! I took another pregnancy test that evening and the second line was again barely visible. I had to squint and hold it up to the light at a certain angle even to see anything. By then I knew it was probably a chemical pregnancy, just pregnant enough to delay my period for a few days and throw my cycle off. Just to be safe and to verify that I wasn't completely crazy, I had my OB take a blood test to check my HCG levels. They results came back at a 9. I remember when we were trying for the first baby, you wanted anything over a 60 for the baby to have a chance. Jeff and I were both very disappointed with the loss, however, encouraged that we're continuing to have luck simply from trying on our own.
It appears that my endometriosis is gone, or at least, not interfering anymore with my ability to get pregnant. That was my biggest fear in trying to get pregnant again. I didn't want to have to endure another laparoscopy surgery. My infertility specialist had reassured me that he had gotten it all and that he didn't think it would ever come back, however, it was just something I had always worried about. We now have to figure out why I can't stay pregnant!!! I am still taking a daily baby aspirin which is supposed to help with any potential blood clotting disorders that can cause recurring miscarriages in some women. My infertility doctor had suggested I start taking it after my second loss the first time around. Nothing had turned up in my testing that suggested I needed it, however, it wouldn't hurt anything, it could only help. I am also now taking progesterone suppositories to eliminate any low progesterone issues that could also be potentially causing these early miscarriages. Anything I can control, I am willing to try!!!
We are about to start trying again and am hopeful that the third time will be the charm for Baby #2 just like it was with Jillian. I experienced two heartbreaking losses before becoming pregnant with her and I am hoping that perhaps it will be the same for this one. With God's grace and His timing, we will eventually be a family of four and truly blessed beyond belief!