Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Timing is Everything


I have been thinking a lot lately about Baby #2. When will we finally be blessed again with a healthy pregnancy? Will it be a boy or a girl?  How will we handle life as a family of four? I am starting to get that familiar pang of jealousy again when I start to hear friends announcing their pregnancies. The feelings of jealous are different though. Certainly not the big slap in the face, kick you in the gut, type of feelings that I used to have, but they are there.

I keep thinking about how this week would have been my due date if my pregnancy from October had worked out. I keep thinking about how different our life would be in so many ways. I keep thinking about how Jillian's life would be so different in so many ways. Dealing with Infertility and Pregnancy Loss has taught me that I have absolutely no control over how or when God will bless me with a baby. It truly is up to Him and not me. I know God has a plan for us and having a baby this week was not in his plans.

I had another loss a few weeks ago which was both very upsetting and encouraging all at the same time. Upsetting because it was yet another baby that we would never meet here on earth, however, it was an actual positive pregnancy test after only the first month of really trying again since our loss in October. This pregnancy was probably my shortest yet. I decided to take a pregnancy test one night since my monthly friend was a day late. I just "felt" pregnant and I couldn't shake the nagging thoughts rolling around in my head that I needed to act on that gut feeling.  Sure enough a faint double line popped up on the pregnancy test. Since it was on the lighter side, I figured it was because I had taken the test in the evening and not in the morning like it is suggested. The next morning I took another test as soon as I woke up. Happy and excited, I totally expected to see a darker line then the night before. But I didn't.  A second line was still there, however, it wasn't any darker like it should have been. It actually looked a little lighter when I compared the two tests. My heart sunk but I tried to remain positive. Sadly, I knew too well how pregnancy tests should be progressing at this point. They are gradually supposed to get darker with each passing day, not lighter!!! I took another pregnancy test that evening and the second line was again barely visible. I had to squint and hold it up to the light at a certain angle even to see anything. By then I knew it was probably a chemical pregnancy, just pregnant enough to delay my period for a few days and throw my cycle off. Just to be safe and to verify that I wasn't completely crazy, I had my OB take a blood test to check my HCG levels. They results came back at a 9.  I remember when we were trying for the first baby, you wanted anything over a 60 for the baby to have a chance. Jeff and I were both very disappointed with the loss, however, encouraged that we're continuing to have luck simply from trying on our own.

It appears that my endometriosis is gone, or at least, not interfering anymore with my ability to get pregnant. That was my biggest fear in trying to get pregnant again. I didn't want to have to endure another laparoscopy surgery. My infertility specialist had reassured me that he had gotten it all and that he didn't think it would ever come back, however, it was just something I had always worried about. We now have to figure out why I can't stay pregnant!!! I am still taking a daily baby aspirin which is supposed to help with any potential blood clotting disorders that can cause recurring miscarriages in some women. My infertility doctor had suggested I start taking it after my second loss the first time around. Nothing had turned up in my testing that suggested I needed it, however, it wouldn't hurt anything, it could only help. I am also now taking progesterone suppositories to eliminate any low progesterone issues that could also be potentially causing these early miscarriages. Anything I can control, I am willing to try!!!

We are about to start trying again and am hopeful that the third time will be the charm for Baby #2 just like it was with Jillian.  I experienced two heartbreaking losses before becoming pregnant with her and I am hoping that perhaps it will be the same for this one. With God's grace and His timing, we will eventually be a family of four and truly blessed beyond belief!

22 comments :

  1. Well, my situation was nowhere near what it sounds like you guys have to go through. My husband and I were good about getting pregnant, but lost 2 in the early stages also. The first time it happened was the first time we thought I was pregnant, my period was 10 days late. By the time I had my doctor's appt., I was losing it. I wasn't ready to be pregnant then, although we were going to start trying that year. I was still so sad when we lost it. We ended up getting pregnant 6 months later, but I was freaked out the entire first trimester, waiting for something to happen. But, we had Logan 8 months later(he was 4 weeks early). Then I was pregnant again one time, according the pregnancy tests and so excited b/c my sister was pregnant at the same time. But, it wasn't meant to be! 6 months later, I got pregnant again and had Jaycee. Good Luck! I think God has his own timing for everything. I'll be praying for you!

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  2. Praying for you. Your exactly right, it's all in God's Timing!

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  3. Thinking of you Karen! I had no idea about the most recent one ((hugs)). Please let me know if there's anything I can do.

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  4. I will cross my fingers and say a prayer for you :) I have been there too....I lost a pregnancy before I had Anthony (my younger son). It was heartbreaking so I know your pain. But as soon as we tried again...we got Anthony!! So, stay positive and good things will come :)

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  5. Karen it will happen and you will have baby number two. I just feel it in my heart. I think the important thing is to not think about it too much. I witnessed that with my sister. After years of struggle and IVF they had Noah (3) and then completely by surprise they had Grayson (1). What a blessing they are to all of our family.

    My good thoughts and prayers are with you.
    Warmly, ~Melissa

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  6. I'm sorry for your losses Karen, and I'll be thinking about you.

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  7. I'm sorry you had to do it all over again. You're attitude is amazing though and I know something good will happen soon.

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  8. I'm so sorry for your loss, Karen. Keep your positive spirits up...I will be praying for you! :)

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  9. Hugs! I will pray for you as you start down this journey. I hope it is easier this time. I know it isn't easy but what is hard just makes you tougher and appreciate the results in the end.

    Good Luck and I hope to be seeing a post not only of a very positive test result but with a photo like above 9 months later!

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  10. so sorry to hear this! i know all too well how heartbreaking it can be! praying for you and that you will have a peace as you are trying for another baby knowing that is will all work out in HIS perfect timing! xoxo

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  11. Hi Karen- thinking of you and of your two losses...that is so sad. :o( Hopefully things will happen quickly for you for #3, although life will get crazy! (although not always in a bad way!)

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  12. Aww, Karen, I'm so sorry for your losses. I have been there and I completely understand the heartbreak. Wishing your the best of luck - hope you get a sticky BFP soon!

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  13. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what it's like to see a positive pregnancy test & I surely can't imagine what's it like to lose it. Sending lots of prayers your way.

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  14. I completely feel where you are, before my 1st = 1 miscarriage, before my 2nd = 3 miscarriages, and now with my 3rd (that was a surprise!), am 25 weeks along, no miscarriage between 2nd and 3rd, which just seems surreal to me!

    Good luck on your journey and I hope you will be blessed again soon!!

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  15. Good luck with everything!!

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  16. Karen! So sorry to hear about another loss! But like you said, encouraging still:) Makes me wonder if we might have a chance to ever get pregnant naturally. They told me they got most of my endo too after I had my lap..except that it clogged up both my fallopian tubes and now they are both blocked:( I just assumed that when we were ready for baby #2 that we could do the same procedure that was successful for Maura. Do you know how that works?

    You have always been such a strong role model for me. Keep staying positive, it'll happen. You'll continue to be in my thoughts and prayers:)

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  17. So sorry for your losses. I recently posted about mine as well. After one healthy pregnancy, and then two losses, we are pregnant again and I am almost 16 weeks along. I hope third time is a charm again for y'all, and I will say a prayer for you!! I remember reading about your loss in October and that's when I suffered my first loss. You inspired me to write about mine on my blog...even though it took me awhile to get it out. So thank you for that. And I have learned the same lessons as you! We are on God's time...not ours!

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  18. Karen, I'm sorry for your loss. I think I may have had a lot of those type of pregnancies before I had my son, but I just didn't know then.

    I had two miscarriages after my son. The first was a 11 weeks and I had to have an Emergency DNC. The second one was just like you experienced. My blood test showed similiar results, and the day the OB called I even started my period.

    My daughter's pregnancy happened when I was 40, and taking a break from trying after that last miscarriage. My children are 3 years 10 months apart. I think it worked out how it was supposed to be.

    I"ll be thinking of you.

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  19. Aw I am so sorry for your loss Karen, but like you said God has a plan. I have been struggling with that lately. I've been trying to be in control when I know all along that it is up to Him and not me. I'm trying to put everything in His hands and seek Him daily to keep that reminder fresh in my brain.

    I'll say a few prayers for you cause it's always nice to have others prayers as well :) Hopefully 3rd times a charm!

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  20. Hey Karen. I just stopped by to check in and say hi, and was very sad to read this post. I am so very sorry for your losses. I'm sending big hugs your way, as well as positive vibes for your next try.

    Has your OB tested you yet for clotting disorders? My PCP just happened to find that I had one (a very rare one called Lupus Anticoagulant) a long time ago, and I am so thankful that she did. I started on Lovenox with both of my pregnancies and never had any issues. It is just a thought to ask your OB to have you tested.

    Good luck to you.

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  21. I am so sorry to hear all that your family has been through. I too believe that God does have a plan, even though sometimes we do not understand it at the time. I will send positive thoughts and prayers your way that the 3rd time again is a charm!

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  22. Karen, I'm not sure how we never met until now but I am glad we did! While I was blessed with Amara, my family has gone through the loss of several angels. My sister lost two babies and we all were devastated. I wish nothing but success for you and Jeff!

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