Bittersweet

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Thanks so much for all of your sweet comments so far! It’s been fun sharing our story and such a relief to finally be able to finally be open about it! As I mentioned in my previous post, everything is going so well right now, however, this pregnancy has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster. I thought about not blogging about what I am planning on sharing with you but at the same time, it was such an amazing, shocking, and exciting time of my pregnancy, that I want to remember and document it as best as I can. I will never forget what I am about to share with you and it’s my way of honoring what happened.

My infertility specialist gives all of his patients a seven week ultra sound to check the viability of the embryo. The seven week ultra sound for me is always such a scary and stressful time. The wait and anticipation alone is so hard! I swear at every appointment I have to make at least two trips to the bathroom as we wait on the doctor to come in because I am so worked up about it. We have had two ultra sounds in the past not go well at all and I don’t think I will ever be calm before any ultra sound appointment ever again! If I could have a glass a wine before these ultra sound appointments to calm my nerves, I would! They seriously need to look into inventing “pregnancy wine” that has the same calming affects but safe for Mom and Baby!

After waiting for a good twenty minutes, my doctor finally came into the exam room. He was happy to see us and shook both of our hands in congratulations. He always asks how I am, I always reply with nervous, and then he always replies with, well lets hope we can put your mind at ease. We have been through this scenario with him several times before and it’s always the same conversation. My Infertility doctor is so nice, I can’t say that enough. We owe so much to him and certainly would not be parents today without all of his help. I am so happy with my decision to see him for the beginning of this pregnancy with all of the extra measures that he takes to ensure everything is going well. It really helped to put our mind at ease.

The ultra sound begins and I hold my breath staring intently at the screen trying to make out an embryo with a little white flicker. I think I see one and he then stops on it and confirms that there is an embryo with a beating heart. I relaxed a little bit and asked him immediately to measure it. I should be measuring 7weeks 3 days at that point and thankfully I was. A huge relief!! The doctor then starts searching around, checks my ovaries for cysts, and then out of the blue exclaims “And there are two!!!!” At that moment, I was like, what???? Are you serious? Where? And he shows another embryo with a little white flicker. I asked him to measure this one, it’s 7weeks 3 days!!! To say that Jeff and I were stunned is an understatement. We were blown away! I remember vaguely asking him over and over again, how can that be? How did this happen? After that point, everything is a bit fuzzy. I was in such a shock, I just remember Jeff and I laughing a lot and just out of my mind shocked by the whole thing. My doctor was so happy for us, he kept congratulating us and saying, these things happen! This was 100% all on our own. We were blown away. And they were both healthy!!! That for us was probably the closest thing to a miracle we have ever experienced. Our doctor told us to come back again in two weeks and to call him if I experience any problems until then.

{Our little twins at 7 weeks}



Jeff and I went to Panera for lunch afterwards and still just kept laughing about it in disbelief! It was like we were drunk! It was an absolute shock to both of us, we prayed and prayed for a healthy baby with a healthy growth rate and heart beat and never would have anticipated seeing two!!! It was crazy, neither of us got any sleep that night. I got up around 3am to use the bathroom and couldn’t fall back to sleep. I kept thinking perhaps I had dreamt the whole thing. Then Jeff asked me if I was awake which I was, and we talked more about how crazy the whole thing was. We were dying to tell someone because no one would ever believe our news in a million years. We managed to keep our secret and somehow made it the two weeks to the next ultra sound without going absolutely crazy. I was still really sick at that point and now had a better understanding to why. I had double the hormones going on!

Our nine week ultra sound was at a new Cleveland Clinic facility that had an amazing new ultra sound machine. This thing was state of the art, and had 3D and 4D capabilities. Unfortunately, we weren’t allowed to use them but it was really cool to see that it was available! The ultra sound machine was also connected to a huge 70 inch flat screen mounted pn the wall so I had no issues in seeing what was going on. Again, I was a bundle of nerves before the appointment, now having TWO babies to worry about. Our doctor came in again, the same old conversation took place. How am I feeling? Any spotting? My response, nervous, his response, let’s see if we can put your mind at ease. The ultra sound begins and two little embryos, a lot bigger than the last time, pop up on the big screen. Both measuring perfectly at 9 weeks 4 days, both had healthy heartbeats. We were so relieved. My doctor congratulated us again and said “I expect you to have an uneventful pregnancy” and we said our goodbye’s. We told him that would probably be the last time we ever saw him because he had released us to my regular OB going forward since everything was going so well. Jeff thanked him over and over telling him that we would forever sing his praises and how we owe him so much for Jillian and now these two. With three babies, we had our family and would more than likely not be needing an infertility doctor again.

{Our little twins at 9 weeks}




Our next appointment was with my regular OB at 10 weeks 4 days, one week immediately following our last appointment with our Infertility doctor. My OB is great, this was our first time seeing him and we had a lot to catch him up on. We told him our long pregnancy history and that we were now unexpectedly pregnant with twins. He asked a ton of questions and then examined me and ordered a few routine blood tests. He then asked us if we even wanted an ultra sound since we just had one a week ago and that everything looked good. Of course we still said yes and that any chance we got for an ultra sound we would jump on just to put our mind at ease. My doctor wheeled the ultra sound machine out and started searching for the twins. We saw Baby A with it's heart beating away. Then the worst thing that could of happened actually happened. He couldn’t find a heartbeat on Baby B. He kept searching and re-positioning the wand and then finally just said “I am sorry.” I don’t really know what else to say except that we were so upset, it’s hard for me to put it into words. It was so hard, I just cried for days for our loss. The loss of our miracle, the loss for this baby, and scared to death about what was going to happen to the other baby.

At that ultra sound appointment both babies were measuring a perfect 10 weeks 4 days. Baby B's heart had stopped only hours ago.

Looking back to that horrible day four weeks ago, we were a wreck. Today, we are in a better place and feel so much more positive about everything. Baby A is looking great and looking just as healthy as ever. Our OB has been watching Baby A very closely and performing weekly ultra sounds for us. It's still horribly sad because we always see Baby B too and the doctor has to make sure it is not interfering with Baby A. The twins were fraternal with two placentas and two sacs which is the lowest risk to Baby A. We had an NT scan on Baby A and the results came back showing 80% negative for Down's Syndrome or any other chromosomal abnormality. That is a huge relief! I will never forget those few weeks I felt being the Mommy of twins. In fact, I am still a Mommy of twins, just with one in heaven and one still here with us on Earth. Baby A has a special little angel still with him/her and hopefully it will watch over him/her as it grows.

24 comments:

  1. Oh wow, thank you for sharing this, I am sure it wasn't easy! Praying for you and your sweet baby growing inside of you. And for sweet Baby B, up in heaven.

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  2. Wow, Karen. What a tough time for you. I'm so glad that baby A is healthy and doing well, and you seem to be such a strong and faithful person! Praying for you, the babe, and baby B watching over you all!

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  3. Bless your heart what an emotional roller coaster! I will be praying for you and your family.

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  4. Wow Karen. I just don't even know what to say. I remember when I had my first infertility procedure. Dean & I were both so positive & excited & we both just had a feeling we were preggo with twins. When we found out we weren't pregnant at all & that one of my best friends was not only pregnant again, but that she was having twins, babies 3 & 4, we were devastated. I can't begin to imagine how y'all must be feeling. Your family is in my prayers.

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  5. Oh Karen, I am so sorry. My eyes teared up reading this post,as I felt your pain as a mother. Big ((HUGS)) and prayers to you and your family. XO~Liz

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  6. Karen- reading this again, even after I knew what happened, my heart sunk. Praying for you and the baby and hoping the remainder of your pregnancy is UNEVENTFUL. Hoping to see you tomorrow!

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  7. I am so sorry to hear this Karen, I don't even know what words to say. You are right you will always be a mother to twins. Thank you for sharing this with us. I will hope and pray for you that the rest of your pregnancy is easy and uneventful for you.

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  8. Wow, Karen I'm so sorry you lost one of the twins :( You know I'm a twin myself & I love being one. But, we all just need to rely on prayer & God to understand why things like this happen. I can't imagine what your going through & I'm just so happy the other baby is okay. You are definitely in my prayers & thoughts sweet girl! <3 Bon

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  9. Oh Karen, bittersweet is the perfect word to describe it. I'm so glad it sounds like you are far along now and hopefully things will get easier from here on out!

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  10. I am so sad for you....yet still happy for the news of Baby A. You the feeling of loss from previous miscarriages and it is heartbreaking, but this is different. To think you were going to have twins and that one sadly isn't there, will always be in your head. But, things with Baby A are going to be terrific and you are so blessed to have even gotten preggers. All things happen for a reason :)

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  11. Such a wonderful and heartbreaking post. It is bittersweet. Baby A will continue to thrive. Leigh

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  12. I am so so sorry for your loss.

    I'm glad Baby A is doing well. Keeping you and little Baby A in my prayers for sure. ((Hugs))

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  13. Prayers sent your way. I can not imagine how you guys are feeling but I am inspired by the amount of strength in your faith and your love of your family. Glad that Baby A is doing great and will continue to pray.

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  14. Thanks for sharing such a bittersweet story.

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  15. lots of prayers for Baby A and a great rest of your pregnancy journey.

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  16. Oh Karen, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Bless your heart. I am praying for you and sweet Baby A!!

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  17. Wow Karen. I think your title describes it just perfectly--so bittersweet!

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  18. Oh my you've gone through a lot these last few months! God is good and I'm so glad you have a baby to look forward too!

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  19. Thankyou for sharing your story with us! I am so sorry about Baby B, but very happy for you that all is going well with Baby A.
    May God bless you and your family!

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  20. I'm so sorry for you loss Karen, you and Jeff and been through so much it's not even fair. I wish you nothing but the best for here on forward.

    xoxo

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  21. There are no words...I am so sorry for all that you and your sweet hubby have had to endure. Many blessings and prayers for this second little miracle baby of yours. I'll be thinking of you guys often! Take care! XO

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  22. I am so sorry. I cannot imagine the roll coaster of emotions you two have been on the last several weeks. Praying for your sweet baby A!

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  23. Oh wow, Karen, what an emotional ride you've been on lately. :( I'm so sorry for your loss, but so thankful that Baby A is doing great. My prayers are with you!

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  24. Hi Karen ... I found your blog just before your "fishing trip" and am happy you are back! Although I have not struggled with infertility, I appreciate you sharing your story ... Your whole family is in my prayers! :)

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