Bittersweet

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Thanks so much for all of your sweet comments so far! It’s been fun sharing our story and such a relief to finally be able to finally be open about it! As I mentioned in my previous post, everything is going so well right now, however, this pregnancy has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster. I thought about not blogging about what I am planning on sharing with you but at the same time, it was such an amazing, shocking, and exciting time of my pregnancy, that I want to remember and document it as best as I can. I will never forget what I am about to share with you and it’s my way of honoring what happened.

My infertility specialist gives all of his patients a seven week ultra sound to check the viability of the embryo. The seven week ultra sound for me is always such a scary and stressful time. The wait and anticipation alone is so hard! I swear at every appointment I have to make at least two trips to the bathroom as we wait on the doctor to come in because I am so worked up about it. We have had two ultra sounds in the past not go well at all and I don’t think I will ever be calm before any ultra sound appointment ever again! If I could have a glass a wine before these ultra sound appointments to calm my nerves, I would! They seriously need to look into inventing “pregnancy wine” that has the same calming affects but safe for Mom and Baby!

After waiting for a good twenty minutes, my doctor finally came into the exam room. He was happy to see us and shook both of our hands in congratulations. He always asks how I am, I always reply with nervous, and then he always replies with, well lets hope we can put your mind at ease. We have been through this scenario with him several times before and it’s always the same conversation. My Infertility doctor is so nice, I can’t say that enough. We owe so much to him and certainly would not be parents today without all of his help. I am so happy with my decision to see him for the beginning of this pregnancy with all of the extra measures that he takes to ensure everything is going well. It really helped to put our mind at ease.

The ultra sound begins and I hold my breath staring intently at the screen trying to make out an embryo with a little white flicker. I think I see one and he then stops on it and confirms that there is an embryo with a beating heart. I relaxed a little bit and asked him immediately to measure it. I should be measuring 7weeks 3 days at that point and thankfully I was. A huge relief!! The doctor then starts searching around, checks my ovaries for cysts, and then out of the blue exclaims “And there are two!!!!” At that moment, I was like, what???? Are you serious? Where? And he shows another embryo with a little white flicker. I asked him to measure this one, it’s 7weeks 3 days!!! To say that Jeff and I were stunned is an understatement. We were blown away! I remember vaguely asking him over and over again, how can that be? How did this happen? After that point, everything is a bit fuzzy. I was in such a shock, I just remember Jeff and I laughing a lot and just out of my mind shocked by the whole thing. My doctor was so happy for us, he kept congratulating us and saying, these things happen! This was 100% all on our own. We were blown away. And they were both healthy!!! That for us was probably the closest thing to a miracle we have ever experienced. Our doctor told us to come back again in two weeks and to call him if I experience any problems until then.

{Our little twins at 7 weeks}



Jeff and I went to Panera for lunch afterwards and still just kept laughing about it in disbelief! It was like we were drunk! It was an absolute shock to both of us, we prayed and prayed for a healthy baby with a healthy growth rate and heart beat and never would have anticipated seeing two!!! It was crazy, neither of us got any sleep that night. I got up around 3am to use the bathroom and couldn’t fall back to sleep. I kept thinking perhaps I had dreamt the whole thing. Then Jeff asked me if I was awake which I was, and we talked more about how crazy the whole thing was. We were dying to tell someone because no one would ever believe our news in a million years. We managed to keep our secret and somehow made it the two weeks to the next ultra sound without going absolutely crazy. I was still really sick at that point and now had a better understanding to why. I had double the hormones going on!

Our nine week ultra sound was at a new Cleveland Clinic facility that had an amazing new ultra sound machine. This thing was state of the art, and had 3D and 4D capabilities. Unfortunately, we weren’t allowed to use them but it was really cool to see that it was available! The ultra sound machine was also connected to a huge 70 inch flat screen mounted pn the wall so I had no issues in seeing what was going on. Again, I was a bundle of nerves before the appointment, now having TWO babies to worry about. Our doctor came in again, the same old conversation took place. How am I feeling? Any spotting? My response, nervous, his response, let’s see if we can put your mind at ease. The ultra sound begins and two little embryos, a lot bigger than the last time, pop up on the big screen. Both measuring perfectly at 9 weeks 4 days, both had healthy heartbeats. We were so relieved. My doctor congratulated us again and said “I expect you to have an uneventful pregnancy” and we said our goodbye’s. We told him that would probably be the last time we ever saw him because he had released us to my regular OB going forward since everything was going so well. Jeff thanked him over and over telling him that we would forever sing his praises and how we owe him so much for Jillian and now these two. With three babies, we had our family and would more than likely not be needing an infertility doctor again.

{Our little twins at 9 weeks}




Our next appointment was with my regular OB at 10 weeks 4 days, one week immediately following our last appointment with our Infertility doctor. My OB is great, this was our first time seeing him and we had a lot to catch him up on. We told him our long pregnancy history and that we were now unexpectedly pregnant with twins. He asked a ton of questions and then examined me and ordered a few routine blood tests. He then asked us if we even wanted an ultra sound since we just had one a week ago and that everything looked good. Of course we still said yes and that any chance we got for an ultra sound we would jump on just to put our mind at ease. My doctor wheeled the ultra sound machine out and started searching for the twins. We saw Baby A with it's heart beating away. Then the worst thing that could of happened actually happened. He couldn’t find a heartbeat on Baby B. He kept searching and re-positioning the wand and then finally just said “I am sorry.” I don’t really know what else to say except that we were so upset, it’s hard for me to put it into words. It was so hard, I just cried for days for our loss. The loss of our miracle, the loss for this baby, and scared to death about what was going to happen to the other baby.

At that ultra sound appointment both babies were measuring a perfect 10 weeks 4 days. Baby B's heart had stopped only hours ago.

Looking back to that horrible day four weeks ago, we were a wreck. Today, we are in a better place and feel so much more positive about everything. Baby A is looking great and looking just as healthy as ever. Our OB has been watching Baby A very closely and performing weekly ultra sounds for us. It's still horribly sad because we always see Baby B too and the doctor has to make sure it is not interfering with Baby A. The twins were fraternal with two placentas and two sacs which is the lowest risk to Baby A. We had an NT scan on Baby A and the results came back showing 80% negative for Down's Syndrome or any other chromosomal abnormality. That is a huge relief! I will never forget those few weeks I felt being the Mommy of twins. In fact, I am still a Mommy of twins, just with one in heaven and one still here with us on Earth. Baby A has a special little angel still with him/her and hopefully it will watch over him/her as it grows.

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Baby #2 - The Journey Begins

Tuesday, September 20, 2011



Thank you for all your sweet comments on Jillian's exciting news! She just couldn't wait to tell you any longer.  I also appreciate all the sweet tweets, emails,  and Facebook messages too!

We are so blessed to have so much support in our lives from family, friends, and from all of you!  I am so excited to be back and to share with you what has been going on with us these past two months. I hated to take such a long blogging break, however,  morning sickness really gave me no choice. I was sick 24/7 and just felt it was the right thing to do.  Any spare moment that I did feel good, I wanted to spend with Jeff and Jillian. And, not being able to blog was strangely stressing me out.  I felt the “Gone Fishing” excuse was the best way to let everyone know I was still here but had to step away from the blogging world for a bit. I keep hearing from a few of you that “you had your suspicions” because of the bloggy break which cracks me up. You all seem to know me too well!!!

To answer a few of your questions, I am 14 weeks and due on March 19th.  We will be finding out the gender to this baby too, our appointment is set for October 21st!!!  It’s been a bit of a roller coaster of a pregnancy so I will probably break up my story in a few separate posts to catch you up to where we are today.  I really want to document this second pregnancy as much as possible so you will have to bare with me as to how detailed I will probably be!

I received a positive pregnancy test the evening of July 11th, literally six hours after I signed up to be a Thirty One Gifts consultant.  To say that God was speaking to me and showing me the way is an understatement.  My intentions of signing up to be a Thirty One Gifts Consultant was to establish my own business hopefully before a Baby #2 arrived.  I continue to think about the possibility of becoming a stay at home mom and apparently the timing of my decision couldn’t have been more perfect.  I decided to take a pregnancy test that evening because I knew my monthly friend was due some time that day and she still hadn’t shown up yet.  I happen to have a few extra tests on hand and decided why not? It was the first month we had started to try again after our last loss so I really had no clue what to expect.  I was pretty much convinced that I wasn’t pregnant. After dinner, I told Jeff what I was going to do and asked him to keep an eye on Jillian who was still finishing her dinner.  I am surprised on how casually I handled this test. Usually I am a hot mess in anticipation of the result but this time I just took it and set it on the counter expecting a negative result. You can imagine my surprise when I started to notice a strong double line showing up! I took the test downstairs with me with a shocked look on my face.  I handed the positive test to Jeff and we were both stared at it in amazement! We were both so excited but cautiously optimistic because we had just been through this same scenario two months before.

I decided for this pregnancy to contact my Infertility Specialist right away to do the HcG Testing. We were blessed not to have done any kind of infertility drugs or treatment, however, I had met with him recently to discuss the two losses that I had after Jillian.  He knows my history with infertility and recurrent losses so I wanted this pregnancy to be handled very carefully by him.  My doctor ordered three HcG tests which came back at 796, 1554, and 3397 which were all very strong numbers! We were off to a good start and now had to wait a few more weeks for the 7 week ultra sound to show a heartbeat.

As you can imagine with everything we have been through, I am pretty much a ball of nerves and full of prayer every day.  I pray that we get to meet our little baby in March. We feel unbelievable blessed by God every day to be pregnant again and to be this far along. I am so looking forward to enjoying this pregnancy and embracing this rare gift that God has given to us again! I know now more than ever what a rare gift every pregnancy is and can’t wait to enjoy and cherish every moment!

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Jillian's Exciting News!

Monday, September 19, 2011


Hi all!  How is everyone doing?  Wow, I can't believe it has been almost two months since I last wrote a blog post.  It was a much needed break but I am glad to be back!!!  I hope you are as excited about Jillian's news as I am!  It's been a crazy two months but I can't wait to catch up and share our journey as we become a family of four!!!!  More details to come....
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