Low carbin' it this week, at least for now.

Monday, January 28, 2008

So I decided to start the week off on the right foot. Work has been absolutely brutal, not only has it been brutal, I worked unit 2am last Wednesday night on a ridiculous project but it had to be done anyway. I love my job, I really do, but somedays I truly wonder if all this stress is worth it. I have worked for several big companies in my career and have worked through several year ends as an accountant but nothing has seemed as bad as my current job is. I just can't seem to catch a break. I have been thinking about looking for a new opportunity within my company but there have been so many lay-offs and hiring freezes these days, it just seems like there is nothing out there that I would enjoy.
Anyway, I actually had a low carb, if not, no carb day. My breakfast consisted of a veggie omlet with cheese and a diet Dr. pepper. Lunch consisted of turkey and cheese sandwich without the bread, string cheese, and no sugar jello. I had pistachios for a snack and no-fat re fried beans with cheese and taco sauce for dinner. I also worked out today after work with Jeff so it was actually a good day healthwise.
I had a bit of a meltdown this morning with our whole babyless situation. I have been doing a lot research on the fertility drug clomid. It is the next step for us per our fertilty doctor if we do not get pregnant by next cycle. The whole thing sounds pretty awful and scary. I have also contacted a few friends who I know took it and their opinions were all pretty much the same. Mood swings, gaining weight, cysts, just awful reactions to it. So after a lot of tears and conversations with Jeff, I am calling it quits. I honestly can not try month after month. These past few cycles have been a little more bare able for me since we stoppped the IUI's, the OPK's and the temping, however, the emotional roller coaster is still there. I may not know what day I am but the sadness is still within me, it's something I can't seem to shake. It is really starting to affect our lives, our happiness, and even our sex life. So, after this cycle, I am not even going to count what day I am on, I am not going to do the every other day thing, no more legs in the air afterwards, nothing. We are just going to go back to being us, go back to planning vacations, go back to enjoying our life and especially no more doctors appointments. If we get pregnant sometime between now and let's say the next 6 years which is when I will turn 40, then great, it will be a miracle, but until then I am not dealing with evil drugs, fertility doctors, timed sex, or counting the days on my cycle. I just can't do it anymore. It's emotionally draining and I can't deal with it anymore. Infertility sucks and it won.

5 comments:

  1. I am not sure how I happened upon your blog, but I just wanted to let you know that I think you have made a very brave decision. It is hard to "give up" but it is quite liberating too. My husband and I gave up about 2 and a 1/2 years ago and we have been so happy since. We understand that we may never have children, but we are LIVING life and that is what matters. I hope only the best for you.

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  2. Awwww Karen... {{{hugs}}} to you. I'm thinking about you. You are so brave--I admire your strength.

    ~~Sara (aka Thomswife)

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  3. Hang in there sis....I pray for you every day and I know God will bless you and Jeff very soon.

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  4. Karen, that just made me cry. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way...I can't even a manage the frustration you're going through.

    I think the decisions you're making are the best for you...for right now.

    Take care,
    Susie

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  5. Karen~ You are making the right decision. TTC shouldn't be sad, or bring you down. It shouldn't be hard or put a strain on your sex life. God did not intend it to be this way at all! Also I don't agree either on taking all those drugs if it makes you different, moody, etc.

    God has a PERFECT plan for you and Jeff. ENJOY that beautiful house. ENJOY your beautiful marriage. ENJOY your beautiful life.

    Live, travel, dabble in different hobbies you've never tried. But most of all, feel free in letting Go, and letting God do what He wants to do for you:)

    (((HUGE HUGS)))

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