So I decided to start the week off on the right foot. Work has been absolutely brutal, not only has it been brutal, I worked unit 2am last Wednesday night on a ridiculous project but it had to be done anyway. I love my job, I really do, but somedays I truly wonder if all this stress is worth it. I have worked for several big companies in my career and have worked through several year ends as an accountant but nothing has seemed as bad as my current job is. I just can't seem to catch a break. I have been thinking about looking for a new opportunity within my company but there have been so many lay-offs and hiring freezes these days, it just seems like there is nothing out there that I would enjoy.
Anyway, I actually had a low carb, if not, no carb day. My breakfast consisted of a veggie omlet with cheese and a diet Dr. pepper. Lunch consisted of turkey and cheese sandwich without the bread, string cheese, and no sugar jello. I had pistachios for a snack and no-fat re fried beans with cheese and taco sauce for dinner. I also worked out today after work with Jeff so it was actually a good day healthwise.
I had a bit of a meltdown this morning with our whole babyless situation. I have been doing a lot research on the fertility drug clomid. It is the next step for us per our fertilty doctor if we do not get pregnant by next cycle. The whole thing sounds pretty awful and scary. I have also contacted a few friends who I know took it and their opinions were all pretty much the same. Mood swings, gaining weight, cysts, just awful reactions to it. So after a lot of tears and conversations with Jeff, I am calling it quits. I honestly can not try month after month. These past few cycles have been a little more bare able for me since we stoppped the IUI's, the OPK's and the temping, however, the emotional roller coaster is still there. I may not know what day I am but the sadness is still within me, it's something I can't seem to shake. It is really starting to affect our lives, our happiness, and even our sex life. So, after this cycle, I am not even going to count what day I am on, I am not going to do the every other day thing, no more legs in the air afterwards, nothing. We are just going to go back to being us, go back to planning vacations, go back to enjoying our life and especially no more doctors appointments. If we get pregnant sometime between now and let's say the next 6 years which is when I will turn 40, then great, it will be a miracle, but until then I am not dealing with evil drugs, fertility doctors, timed sex, or counting the days on my cycle. I just can't do it anymore. It's emotionally draining and I can't deal with it anymore. Infertility sucks and it won.
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4 weeks ago