Every time I start thinking about the inevitable last feeding with her, I tear up. I can't help myself. Then I start to talk myself out of it. The decision is mine to make, I don't need to wean her off now. But I know I do. I know I should.
My supply is so minimal right now. I currently nurse Jillian once a day, if at all, because of my work schedule and her new feeding schedule. She is growing up and nursing less and less. Jillian is eating Stage I foods right now so for two meals of the day, we only use two ounces of my milk to mix with her oatmeal. Jillian is mostly sleeping through the night now too so I find myself only feeding her during the night once a week. I will only give in if she really cries for it. Most nights if she does get up, Jeff or I can usually get her back to sleep with some extra cuddling instead of nursing her.
I also only pump once or twice a day if I am lucky. I am just really growing tired of all of the extra time it takes to pump and clean out all of the pump parts. I am finding myself becoming lazy about the pumping. I am constantly putting it off. I really would also love a night where I can just go to bed and not have to worry about pumping!!! But then I feel guilty for having negative thoughts and feelings about it when it really is such a cherished time between me and my daughter.
My original breast feeding goal was six months, although around month two, I was ready to give up. It just hurt so badly, I would absolutely dread the next feeding. I would brace myself for the sharp pain each time, and when she did latch on, the pain was always worse than what I had braced myself for. It was terrible. I also developed a milk blister after the first month. At first, I didn't think that is what was causing me so much pain. I remember sitting through our breast feeding class one evening listening to our instructor proudly say "If you are doing it correctly, it will never hurt!" Because of that statement, I was insistent that it had to be something else. The milk blister was so small. I even took the time to visit with a lactation consultant. Surely, it was a latching problem or just a rookie mom mistake. Nope. it was the milk blister. It took almost a month for the blister to finally clear up, and once it did, all was right with the breast feeding world. I finally got to appreciate the benefits of breastfeeding. The closeness that I got to experience with my daughter. All of the cute little noises she used to make only for me. The pants of excitement when she was only a few days old when she knew it was time to eat.
I am so grateful that I was able to get through the pain so I can cherish the memories of our special time together. It was our time to really to get to know one another and spend some quality time together. I am so happy that I surpassed my six month goal by another three months and was able to give her some extra nutrition along the way. I am probably a week away from our last feeding together and although I will be devastated, I think I will also celebrate my victory by going to bed without a breast pump!